Day 27: Scared

It’s 10:22 p.m., and I’m scared I’ll be too tired for work tomorrow. I’m scared that I’ll get there and be unable to perform in a crucial moment, and I’ll be found out as an incompetent fraud. I used to stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning, even with work next day, and not feel too uneasy about it. But maybe it’s age or perhaps the lobe that controls responsibility had grown. Either way, I feel scared something might go wrong tomorrow because I didn’t sleep enough.

I used to think that, inherently, this means that the things I’ve valued most in my life is work. But now I know that fear is a powerful force in our minds. Even if work isn’t the most important thing in our lives, the fear of failure can be. I find peace in the uneasy balance between relaxation and protecting myself against failure. But the best things I’ve done in live involve me actively saying to myself, “I don’t care if I fail. I’m going all-out.” It’s an attitude I first adopted in Monopoly, because it’s a game. But it transferred over to some life decisions, and I’ve never regretted any of them. It’s that teenage invincibility everyone talks about — the invincibility that goes away in most people over time.

I’ve only recently realized I make decisions based on fear. Maybe that awareness is helpful.

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