EGG SANDWICH FROM THE GROUND UP, WITH FAIRIES AND GOBLINS

I eat a $1.75 egg sandwich every morning. I buy it at a food cart. It’s easy.

But I realize there is a large amount of work that goes into my sandwich. So I deconstructed each piece of this New York delicacy to figure out what it would take for me to re-create this sandwich on my own.

SUPPLIES

COMPONENTS

  • 2 eggs
  • 1 Kaiser roll
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • Squirt of ketchup
  • Dash of hot sauce
  • Oil

PRODUCTION

Eggs | Raise chicken. Name it Phyllis. Wait for it to pop out a few eggs — about 6 months.

Kaiser Roll | Plant 400 wheat seeds in two square feet of land. (Gallimaufree) Wait about four months, and I should have enough wheat to mill for a few Kaiser rolls. Mill the wheat. (Maybe I’ll borrow one of these.) Use this recipe to make the bread. Use eggs from the chicken and borrow some yeast from the neighbors.

Salt | I have two choices. A) Go to the ocean, collected some water, let it evaporate and scrape off the salt remains. B) Take a long drive to a salt mine in Mount Morris, N.Y., and harvest some salt.

Pepper | Plant a pepper plant. Wait four or five years (pdf). While the berries are still unripe and green, pick them. Dry them into black pepper. Grind them.

Ketchup | A) Plant and grow a tomato vine. Doing it right can be hard. Wait two to three months. B) Plant and grow an onion plant. It will take two years from the seed, because they are biennial plants. C) Plant a garlic clove on the shortest day of the year, in the winter, and harvest them in the spring. D) Grow an allspice plant — won’t take long. E) Plant a ginger root and wait a few months — or just use the root itself, because you’re lazy. F) Plant a sugar cane, wait one year and harvest. Boil the sugar cane, remove the fibrous material, let it evaporate and take the sugar. G) Take all this, along with salt, figure out the proper proportions and dump it into a pan, let it boil for a while with water until it turns into ketchup — hopefully.

Hot Sauce | Plant hot chili peppers. Wait two to three months. Harvest. Then borrow some vinegar because, frankly, where am I going to find some starter culture or a “mother”? Not at the seed shop, for sure. Then grind all these things up in a blender with some salt and, voila, you’ve got hot sauce.

Oil | You’re tired. Ask the Seed Fairy to call up the Oil Goblin.

CONSTRUCTION

  1. Slice the bread in half.
  2. Cook two eggs on the pan, using the oil. Put a dash of salt and pepper on top.
  3. Put eggs between the bread.
  4. Add hot sauce and ketchup.
  5. Put top bread on the egg.
  6. Eat, finally

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