WHAT I SAY, WHAT DOG THINKS

Me: Wake up, Rainbow. It’s 7:30. Time to get up.

Rainbow: Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Who’s there!? Woof! Woof!

Me: I better take you out to pee now. Poor dog, you’ve been holding it all night, haven’t you?

Rainbow: I don’t have to pee first-thing every freaking morning! Why does he wake me up every freaking morning at 7:30 and make me walk on this freaking cold cement just because he’s freaking afraid I’m going freaking pee on his freaking bed? I don’t freaking have to… oh, never mind. I had to pee, after all.

Me: Good dog. Now, I know I trained you to sit when I put my hands behind my back, but I better stop doing it without giving you a treat. Otherwise, you might stop doing it. So here: Sit, Rainbow. Good girl. Here’s your treat!

Rainbow: Yay, my owner pulled one of those yummy bacon strips out of his butt again.

Me: OK, Rainbow. I’m going to jump in the shower, so…

Rainbow: Shower! Did he say shower! Woof, woof, woof! Get away! I’ll pee on your bed if you try to give me a shower!

Me: I’m going to work now, Rainbow. I should leave Nickelodeon on for you while I’m gone. Wait, no, Saved By The Bell? Or maybe the Food Network? You love food, don’t you? OK, the Food Network it is.

Rainbow: I can’t see the screen. I’m old and color blind. Does he know how horrible it is to listen to Rachel Ray all day, but not see her? And someone please clear the phlegm out of her throat.

Me: Aww, Rainbow did you miss me while I was at work? You want a hug, don’t you?

Rainbow: I have to pee.

Me: Rainbow, come here, I’m going to fix you some dinner. Let’s cut some chicken up for you and mix it with the kibbles.

Rainbow: Has he even tasted the kibbles? If he’d just lick it once, he’d know that Asian-spiced chicken does not go with these French-style lamb kibbles. But you know what would go well? Some of that butt bacon.

Me: Do you want to play tug of war with your toy pillow? Yesh you dooo! Oh, you cute puppeeee! Go fetch!

Rainbow: Actually, no. I don’t. I simply want to sit on your couch and chew on the pillow until that delicious cotton stuffing falls out. Then, I was to chew and chew on the stuffing until it gets stuck in my teeth.

Me: OK, puppy, I’m going to go see Kristen now. I’ll be back soon.

Rainbow: You’re leaving me already! No! I need you! I need you! Please come back!

Me: Hey Rainbow, I’m back. Let me just find my keys to I can open the door…

Rainbow: Oh geez! Where am I going to put this pillow stuffing?! If I get in trouble, he’ll yell at me. Then I won’t get any butt bacon! Noooo! Oh, wait, I can’t just eat it.

Me: Goodnight, Rainbow. I’m gonna shut off the lights, OK?

Rainbow: Please don’t sleep already. I’m not tired. I want to play tug of war. Or, wait, I have to pee! Take me outside! Umm, I’ll even watch the Food Network with you! Anything!

*click*

OK, fine, I’ll guard the door while you sleep.

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